Warning: This post has some colorful language.
Today was my very first day at the office. I took the outfit pictures you’ll see below before heading to work, so what you see is a hopeful, slightly nervous, but mostly enthusiastic woman in a stylish, professional ensemble. I think it’ll make a nice visual while I let this story unfold.
I got there a little early today so I could get my desk organized before starting the day. As people trickled in through the door they didn’t seem to pay much attention, which was a relief. My new boss stopped in briefly, wanting to make sure I was “getting settled”, which I was. Left to my own devices, I started replying to E-mails, looking at order forms, and doing what they hired me to do: work. By 11:00 I’d hit my stride; I decided today was going to be a painless, smooth transition. How naive…
Apparently, Jacob’s idea of letting me “get settled in”, was to interrupt not only my flow, but everyone else’s as well. He called an office-wide meeting; thirty people, not including the two of us, yanked away from various projects, while he introduced me. I’m sure they were happy to waste their valuable time, deadlines creeping ever closer, in order to meet someone who will only be a part of the day-to-day if someone wants office supplies, to schedule time in a meeting room, or something special for lunch.
He may as well have said, “Come forth, my minions, and meet this irrelevant cog!”; uhg, kill me.
I was nervous enough when he announced who I was and what I was doing there; I stood up and gave an incredibly awkward wave and said “Hi everyone”, looking out across a sea of bored, uninterested faces, trying not to turn bright red. I figured that’s all that was needed. But no, that would have been too easy. Too painless.
My new boss then motioned for me to come over to him, leaving the safety of my little desk, to stand in front of the entire room of people. I’m positive I was blushing now, and if you’re thinking that was the worst part again, you’d be wrong. He then asked me to say a few words.
What the actual f*ck???!!!
While I can’t remember exactly what I said, I kept things brief. I got a few polite chuckles to a cringe-worthy joke, something to the effect of, “I know this speech sucks, but I’m an office manager, not an orator”. Yes, I actually said that; I let my Trekkie flag fly on day one in front of thirty near-total strangers that I’m going to see every single day at work. Sh*t.
Thankfully, this nightmare only had to happen once, and the rest of the day I was too busy and distracted to think about the train wreck that I’d just (barely) survived. There was even a brief pause when lunch rolled around, I got out of there as quickly as I could, meeting up with Willow over a quick bite to share my traumatic tale.
I can’t say it’s the worst day ever, but it’s close. I’m going to curl up with Krull and hope Netflix distracts me from this disaster.
(Note from the author: This actually happened to me today, I almost died of embarrassment – I can’t believe I just did that…)